For many, the mere idea of giving or receiving feedback conjures up negative feelings. People can see it as criticism, second-guessing or reprimanding. But at any level, feedback given and received appropriately can be a helpful, productive part of any successful business relationship.
Giving feedback to the boss
As challenging as it can be to give feedback to a team member, it’s trickier yet to present feedback to your boss, even when you believe what you have to say would benefit them. But there’s a way you can increase the odds that your feedback will get your boss’s undivided attention.
When I was teaching courses at a business school years ago, a new dean arrived. The dean had written a lot about participative management — an early form of servant leadership — but he certainly didn’t practice it. He spent his time wheeling and dealing and making all kinds of top-down decisions without any participation from the faculty. Every so often, a faculty member would decide to have words with him about his inconsistent behavior. The problem? Not one of them had personally connected with this man prior to confronting him. He essentially threw each of them out of his office in turn.
People who set out to give feedback to upper management often make this error: They forget to connect before they confront. They haven’t built a relationship with the leader prior to sharing their feedback. When attempting to influence up the hierarchy, it’s important to remember that you have no position power with the person. So, when you give a leader feedback before you have a connection with them, chances are it will not be well received.
The best way to influence up
In my case, I generally agreed with the direction the dean wanted to take the school. But, like the rest of the faculty, I was concerned about his eccentric decision-making style. I realized I had to develop some kind of relationship with him before I had any chance of getting through to him with my feedback.
Building a relationship with someone is like putting money in the bank. And delivering feedback to that person, no matter how tactfully, draws something from that interpersonal bank account. So you’d better have some goodwill in your account to balance things out. I needed to build up my bank account before talking with the dean about the negative impact his style was having.
With this in mind, I saw him one day in the hallway and commented on how much I admired his writing skills. (I truly did.) Then I said, “I’m working on a paper I hope to get published in a good journal. Would you have time to meet with me? I’d like to share my latest draft with you and get your feedback.”
The dean responded immediately: “I’d be happy to meet with you.”
When we met, the dean had all kinds of helpful feedback for me. Later, at the end of a follow-up meeting, he casually said, “Ken, how do you think we should deal with some of the jerks in this school?” The key word I picked up on was we. Now I knew I had some money in my interpersonal bank account with the dean, so I felt free to talk to him about how a change in his decision-making style might help. Because he felt comfortable with me now, he was able to listen without getting defensive.
I wasn’t trying to butter up the dean to make myself look good in his eyes. I was just hoping to get him to let down his guard a bit. That way, he and I could have a constructive conversation about the advantages of shifting his leadership style and working side by side with faculty on decision making.
Getting feedback from your people
Are you in a position of leadership? Do you encourage feedback from your team members? As I mentioned, giving feedback to the boss doesn’t come naturally to most people. They may fear being the messenger who bears bad news, so they hesitate to be candid.
Servant leaders don’t shy away from feedback. The only reason you are leading is to serve — and if a team member has an idea they want to present or a suggestion for how you might serve better, you need to listen. Let your people know that you really want to hear what they have to say and you won’t get defensive. Make yourself approachable and easy to connect with.
The best way to receive feedback
When listening to feedback from a team member, remember that they are giving you a gift. Focus carefully on what the person is saying. When it’s your turn to speak, make sure the first thing you say is “Thank you.” Then follow up with “This is so helpful. Is there anything else you think I should know?”
As a leader, if you do receive negative feedback, rise above the way it may be presented. This will help you gather potentially helpful information from the suggestions you hear. Don’t let your ego keep you from being your best self or bringing out the best in others. You already know leadership is not about you — it’s about the people you serve. And in my experience, once you open the door for feedback from your team, you will gain lots of valuable nuggets of truth you can use to improve your leadership style.
Giving and receiving feedback without judgment — whether up or down the hierarchy — is a best practice for any leader who strives to achieve both great relationships and great results.
